


Three Ways to Sunday: Prologue

by terma_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-01-01
Updated: 2002-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:27:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26501380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terma_archivist/pseuds/terma_archivist
Summary: total silliness: Having solved the Kung Fu issue, the Lone Gunmen argue about whose Tai Kwan Do is the best; Alex helps out
Collections: TER/MA





	Three Ways to Sunday: Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alicettlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [TER/MA](https://fanlore.org/wiki/TER/MA) and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [the TER/MA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/terma/profile).

  
**Three Ways to Sunday  
Prologue   
by The Spike**

  
"You want to _what_?" Krycek asked again. He'd heard the answer the first time only it didn't seem to have sunk into resident memory. It was just too weird. Bad enough Mulder had stashed him with these little trolls for safekeeping. Worse yet that Mulder's cuffs had prevented him from either escaping or driving shrimp forks into his ears and thus putting an end to the constant whine of their paranoid techno-geek bickering. But now they wanted to... 

"...make you come three ways to Sunday," said the gnarled little short one called Frohike. 

"A four hour tantric pleasure cruise," chimed in the blonde retro slacker, Langly. 

"Orgasm," said Byers, the neatly bearded Radio Shack manager wannabe. Byers! The one he'd thought might be marginally sane. Up until this moment. 

Orgasm. They wanted to give him an orgasm. And now they were staring at him, clearly waiting for some kind of response. As if there were any kind of appropriate response. He boggled silently. Byers suddenly frowned. 

"You do know what an orgasm is," he asked looking faintly alarmed. "I mean we just assumed you—" 

"Unicorn bait?" said Langly. "No way." 

"Although technically," said Frohike. "Even if he is a virgin there's no reason he wouldn't know—" Krycek broke. 

"Enough," he shouted. The room fell silent. I know what an orgasm is. I'm not a virgin." 

"Does that mean you'll let us—" 

"I didn't say that," said Krycek. 

"You didn't say 'no', either," said Byers. "So can I infer that you're willing to listen to our proposal?" 

"Proposal?" 

"Proposition," Byers amended. 

Proposition, Krycek thought. Man, there was weird and then there was Byers, Langly and Frohike. Weird didn't come close. But al least they weren't talking computers and conspiracies for the moment. And well, hell—wasn't exactly going anywhere for the next 12 hours. And that kind of interactivity meant the possibility of manipulation and even... dare he think it? Escape. 

"Okay," said Krycek. "I'll listen." 

Three pairs of eyes flicked back and forth like lantern code and settled back on him. Byers nodded. Frohike and Langly grinned. Hungry little grins that set up an odd little flutter in Krycek's gut. He shifted uncomfortably in his chains. "Well?" 

"Well," said Byers. "Basically the problem is this. We have, each of us, in our researches have run across various theories of sexual technique of bringing a human male to orgasm. Now we've had the chance to practice those techniques on ourselves and on each other—to the point where we've gotten quite expert. But the one thing we've never been able to agree on is which technique is actually best. 

"And it occurred to us that what we needed was an unbiased observer." 

"Yeah, someone none of us knows." 

"So no girlfriends or boyfriends." 

"Even a casual pick up might be biased toward the person who picked them up." 

"Or against them," Frohike said, looking pointedly at Langly who just as pointedly did not look back. And still the babble never ceased: 

"And we tried using hookers..." 

"But professional sex trade workers have too many issues—" 

"Power and control issues and it's an inequitable setup." 

"—which adds too many variables to the pot." 

"Only as inequitable as you make it." 

"But that, with you here, this produces an almost ideal testing situation." 

"Once in a lifetime really." 

"Of course double blind would be better." 

"Not to mention the increasing difficulty of producing three consecutive orgasms within a given time period. 

"Which can be factored in." 

"Given that you fill out our little survey." 

"Survey," said Krycek, blandly. 

"Uh huh," said Langly. "Before AND after." 

"Like we said, to weed out bias." 

"Increase objectivity." 

"Account for variables." 

"Okay." 

"And codify data for eventual publication in the Lone—excuse me," Byers cut himself off mid-pitch. "Did you just say 'okay'?" Krycek sighed. 

"Look," he said. "Is there any chance in hell that during the actual, um, testing part the three of you might actually shut the hell up for a few minutes?" 

Three pairs of eyes turned to him. Byers raised an inquiring eyebrow. 

"Is that...important...to you?" The force of the focused stares in the sudden silence was almost palpable; uncanny enough to raise a crop of goosebumps across his back and shoulders but Krycek held firm: 

"I'd say it's the deal-breaker," he said, shrugging as off-handedly as he could manage. 

More beady little glances danced around the room. Whatever telepathic geek-to-geek communication system the three Gunmen had developed over the years, it was certainly smoking now. Krycek could almost hear the hum in the air. He shivered involuntarily at the strangeness prickling his skin— 

And then suddenly everything seemed—normal—again: there were smiles all around and Byers was leaning forward, to shake his cuffed and tingling hand. 

"Okay, Mr. Krycek," Byers said, beaming widely. "I'd say we have a deal." 

* * *

Disclaimer: I did not invent the Lone Gunmen, but somebody had to.   
Rating: PG-13, no sex but the promise thereof   
Summary: total silliness: Having solved the Kung Fu issue, the Lone Gunmen argue about whose Tai Kwan Do is the best; Alex helps out   
Author's note: this sat on my hard drive, unfinished, for months. I posted it as an apology snippet for an OT post and got _way_ too much encouragement and now you're all gonna pay!   
---


End file.
